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I don't know!!! Wow, it is only the first day back in CLC and we haven't even had any class time or anything, and I feel completely just... oh, I don't even know the word for what I feel. It's not bad but its not really good either... (?) I just need to step it up... that's all I know! I feel semi-dissappointed with myself but I have no idea why... and I feel really excited, but not sure why either. Gosh this is so confusing. To anyone who may read this blog, I guess the reason for this post is to get it out there. The fact that I cannot keep going the way I am going!!! I am not doing anything bad or living a double life or anything rediculous like that, I just simply have not been giving it my all. I guess the term for it is lukewarm. That's it. That's what I feel. If I were God, I would want to spit me out too (no, I didnt just call myself God, I was just using it as an example...). I have never thought of the way I am living as lukewarm. That word brings to mind someone who loves Jesus at church but everywhere else is a terrible person, and someone who acts holy, but is really living in sin. Sure, I am not perfect, but I felt like I wasnt living like this. The fact of the matter is, being lukewarm simply means I am neither hot nor cold. The truth is, I am not hot (you know what I mean). I don't give Jesus everything, just the parts of my life I want to give Him. It is so humbling to realize this about myself. I suppose from the outside it may not look like this is my reality, but it is. I have hid this sad fact behind pride. I lead a small group, lead worship, help lead the Dream Kids Ministry, and do a ton of other things... but that's all I do, is do them. I am passionate about Jesus, dont get me wrong, I just know that God wants to go so much deeper with me. Gosh dang it! It's like the never ending process of me finding out more of me that I havent given over to God. For me, becoming a lukewarm christian begins when I find something in me that I hadnt known about, and then after finding it, choosing not to give it to God. I then become god over my life. Sorry if this is confusing, its sorta just coming out... I know God has my where he does for a reason and I am so thankful for that. He has shown me so much about myself since CLC started, and I just need to give those things over to Him. He created me. He knows the deepest part of me. He knows my secrets. He knows me better than I know myself.
I guess all I can do for now is rely on His grace, knowing that this is a journey and I can't get there over night... man I wish I could. I dont like being wrong, but I just am, and God is right.

Giving it all over,
Elyxis.