True Life

I believe that I can have breath in my lungs but no life in my body. Looking back into my past I can point out which seasons of my life I spent actually living and which I spent faking it. When I ask myself what living means, it’s impossible for me to narrow it down to one phrase or one sentence. Living is making choices that aren’t decided based on fear, self doubt or peer pressure. It is when I act out what I truly feel and not what I think others want me to act out or feel. Going through each day without regrets, having joy in whatever life deals me, wanting the best for myself and others and never giving up on my dreams is what truly existing is about. Living means loving like it’s the last day of your life. This is what we were all created for.
Not too long ago, I went through a time period in my life where I was dead. I became really good at slipping into the routine of everyday life. My relationships with my friends and my family became dull and fake. I was in the game, but without purpose or destination and I was numb to emotions and feelings. For me, life was like I had spilt hot chocolate on white pants; annoying and embarrassing. Not knowing what a valid life was like, I didn’t understand that I was dead because it felt normal to feel worthless and useless. When I examine the life that I knew, I see that unquestionable life was staring me right in the face the whole time and I didn’t even realize it. About two and half years ago, I was awakened to that vital spark. It was ironic because along the way, I tasted death as well.
Summer camps are something I remember from my childhood. They are the cabin pranks, the late nights and the nasty food. That summer, I had been dragged to a youth group summer camp by my mom. I was totally against it the whole way, thinking I was too old to be going to a church camp. Getting there I realized I knew no one and I had no friends. But what I didn’t realize was that death and life where both knocking at the door of my heart, waiting for either an invitation or a refusal. That first night was the first time that I became really aware of the reality of death. Death was no longer what was to come when I got old or when I made a stupid decision, it was the stage that my heart was in at that very moment. Thankfully, that night I was introduced to my Savior. I experienced the truth for the first time in my whole life. It was then that I understood that you could have breath in your lungs but no life in your body. Before, my life had been defined by selfishness and what I wanted. That night, my perspective was changed and I saw that it wasn’t about me.
I said that I had tasted death and I had. Probably not in the way one would think but none the less, I had a choice to make: I could both deny true life and become another casualty or I could embrace real life and put death behind me. I chose the vigor and zeal that Christ offered to me and decided to put the grave underneath the ground where it belonged. Naturally, it was easy to make that choice but it’s not something that I was automatically good at. Still today there are times where I choose death over Christ, weather by the way I choose to talk or the things I do that I know are wrong. I also know that authentic salvation takes practice and when I do make mistakes, I can move on and learn from them. I don’t have to wallow in shame or guilt because I know I have been forgiven by Jesus. Extraordinary grace has been given to me by an extraordinary God.
This is why I believe that I can have breath in my lungs but no life in my body. Ultimately the choice is mine; would I rather have a fake life that means nothing? Would I settle for routine and the boredom that follows? I know what death feels like and I know how fast I can get myself there. Instead I choose to live purely and rightfully. I will always be imperfect but I know that when I put Jesus above everything else, the good work that was started in me will be finished and that is what I strive for.


My Sisters... :]

This is what happens when kaitlyn and mykala get a hold of the camera...

I love 'em :)


So says my Generation.

Today, as I sat in my art class during A block, sipping a cup of coffee much like the one on the left, I couldn't help but overhear a conversation going on next to me. Two girls were talking to each other about their lives. As their conversation progressed, I felt this deep sorrow and compassion welling up inside of me. I didn't know how to react. Their stories were both so similar, each of them trying to fill the void that was in their hearts. I think that the thing that made me sad the most, was the fact that I had no idea that people all around me are more broken than I. God revealed to me something that I knew but not neccesarily understood. I know that my generation is falling, fast, but I didn't understand that it is happening all around me, all the time. To think about it baffles me...
The conversation between these two girls consisted of this:
#1- I hate my life... I don't want to go home because I know my dad is going to beat me tonight.
#2- Yah, me too... my dad doesnt beat me but my fiancee does.
#1- You're engaged???
#2- Yah! It's cool because he's the first boyfriend that hasnt cheated on me.
#1- Oh... I dont think I'm going to have any fun this weekend.
#2- Why?
#1- Well it's my birthday, but i dont think anyone will show up, i dont have many friends. It's my sweet 16 party too... I will probably just stay home and do nothing. Do my eyes look red?
#2- no not really, why?
#1- Well, I was crying this morning because of things at home.
#2- Oh, I'm sorry... this moring sucked for me too, my dad woke me up at 4 in the morning asking me if i knew where his boots were. Then I couldnt sleep and to make it worse my kids got woken up.
#1- You have kids too?
#2- Yah, a five and a three year old. I've had several abortions and miscarraiges too. This one time, at my old school in houston, this girl that I thought was my friend kicked me down the stairs when she found out I was 2 monthes pregnant with her ex-boyfriends child. She ran down the stairs after me and kicked me to the floor and then kicked me stomache over and over and over. Needless to say, I lost that kid. I think I've been pregnant 4 or 5 times before besides with the two kids I have now.
#1- All different guys?
#2- Yah, I aborted 3 of them and miscarried 2. It was such a hassel.
#1- I know how that is, not getting an abortion but the hassel of your boyfriend having to sleep with you when you dont want to just because he has an "urge"...
#2- Yah, my cousin went through that...she has a kid too. She's really depressed now and even when she was pregnant, and she became anorexic when she found out and she started cutting herself and she still cuts herself. Once, I was baby sitting her kid and he asked me why his mom was always hurt and sick. It was hard to explain, but after I told him why, he said ok and just went to his room. He's like six or something.
#1- I cut myself sometimes too...
Some of this is hard to read, I know...I had to listen to this for an hour and a half. This is only a small portion of what they talked about.
As the block slowly progressed, I got sadder and sadder, hearing the brokeness of these two beautiful and potentially great girls. Lately, at home, I have found so much to complain about and after hearing what these girls go through everyday, I realized that I am a complete and total idiot for thinking I had it bad. I am so blessed to have sibblings who love me and who actually care about my well being. I am so blessed to have a mom who loves me, who cares about me, and who cares about our family. As I sat there, a chilling realization sank into my heart... this is how my generation really is. They are dying whether we recognise it or choose to acknowledge it or not.
Today, God called me to do something, not just sit there quietly while two young people die. How can I serve those girls, who obviously dont get any respect, love or affection from anywhere? What can I do to make a difference in their lives? Why do I not do something? Why do we not do anything to help? What is our purpose if not this? To show the love of Christ to the widow and the fatherless, to the homeless and to the broken.
I challenge you to find a couple people this year at school, at work or even at home, to love and serve and put above yourself... people who genuinly need the love of Christ.
This morning changed my perception and my perspective. I know that I was not sitting next to those girls randomly. I also know that God has something BIG planned and all I am called to do is Obey His Word.
So what has God said to you??? Will you choose to obey it??? I love that God has given us free will because that makes the adventure all the more exciting...


Words transformed into what I truly feel...

Tonight, as I was thinking about God and just examining where I am with God and how I feel so crappy right now and how I don't know anything, a song that is near and dear to my heart popped into my head. As I sang the words and really tried to understand what I was singing and mean what I was singing, I felt an overwhelming comfort. Since school has started and the speed of my life has picked back up, I have been so stressed, already. For the first time tonight, I felt like I could breathe. Just sit in the presence of Jesus. This song is called Came to my Rescue. Here are the lyrics... I hope you let them sink in as far as I did, they are so powerful.

Falling on my knees in worship, giving all I am so seek Your face, Lord all I am is Yours.

Oh and my whole life I place in Your hands, God of mercy humbled I bow down, in Your presence at your throne.

I call, You answer, and You came to my rescue and I, I wanna be where You are...

In my life, be lifted high. In my world, be lifted high. In my love, be lifted high.

God, I just want to be where you are. Jesus I love you so much. You are my everything...