Scarlet

Middle of nowhere
Finally you can breathe
Nobody knows your name
It's easier
Shut your eyes tightly
Clench your fists 'til they almost bleed
Cautiously, lightly
Gently expose what's underneath
And all you feel now
Is the scarlet in the day
Even it's real
You can't stay...
-
So there you go
You're gone for good
There you go
You're gone for good
-
Your mind is swollen
From months of thought without release
They've taken their toll on you
This very moment
Of timid and fragile honesty
Is precious and rare and fleeting
And all you feel now
Is the scarlet in the day
Even it's real
You can't stay...
-

This summer has been really interesting, least to say. I have been in a constant battle with my flesh as it has tried to crawl off of the altar. It can only be described as one would describe a tiring, never ending battle, where you're exhausted but there is just no way you can quit, even if you wanted to. I have walked in a season where I've done my best to hold it all in and all together. I've done my best to convince God, with all my clever prayers and lofty thoughts, that I'm doing fine. With this impossible struggle, I have found that I've been driven into the wilderness, feeling alone, all alone. When I fake it, it turns out that the joke is on me. I haven't escaped the attention of Jesus, He still knows me. I first listened to this song Scarlet the other day, and it seemed to strike a chord in my heart that I didn't even know was there. Months of thought without release... This is my life. I think that God has tried desperately for way to long to teach me something, and I've been reluctant to learn it. Every time I'm lead into the wilderness, I think something's wrong, that I've sinned or am somehow unforgiven by God and I need to earn him back. I try to get back to him on my own, not even realizing that He never even left...I'm the one walking out on him. He has tried to show me that in those desert seasons, He's wanting me to draw closer to him not go look for him somewhere else. God is the God of every season. Instead of abandoning God when I can't feel him, I should be abandoning myself... gone for good. He waits for me to expose what's underneath. He wants my timid and fragile honesty. I've let the feeling of God's presence define whether or not he was there. God's presence is so much more vast than my simple perceptions of him. He goes way beyond all of it. This summer has been dry, and hard, and I don't think I have ever felt farther from God, ever. But this one thing I have come to realize... It's not about whether I can feel him or not. I know in the very depths of my heart that He hasn't moved, he's still right next to me, holding my hand the whole way. It's been a summer that has greatly challenged my faith... I know there have been moments where I failed that test, but God is teaching me to trust. I have got to learn to trust him deeply, and I don't think there is any other way. He wants my flesh gone for good. And so do I. I don't really know what I could say right now to convey just how much I love Jesus, and his grace over my life. Sometimes I guess it just takes a personal meeting, in the middle of nowhere, with God.
Still waiting,
Elyxis